Bugger it, then
by Guardian Demon
Summary: (working title) Chapter 3... Fluff and a plan, or the beginnings thereof. Um... yeah.
1. In which Scott is bored

Bugger it, then.

(working title)

~by cat, with help from her very weird muses, mostly rin and alena~

a/n: I wrote this because a character popped into my head, and when characters do that, I write about them. Especially if they bring their own plot bunny with them. Of course, it's annoying when they don't have names, cause then I have to think one up… *pouts* And also I wrote this because Scott is incredibly cool. ;-)

p.s. I like adjectives.

~

Scott Evil was bored. Really, incredibly, mind-numbingly bored. He had already yelled at seven random henchmen, made a list of possible locations for his new Lair (Mount Everest was getting boring), sent most of his black clothes off to the dry-cleaners, practiced his evil laugh (he desperately needed it), had a latte, and ran into a closed door (that was an accident)… and it was only three minutes past eleven in the morning. Now, Scott was sitting in the motorized chair, tossing a stress squeezie left over from group therapy into the air repeatedly- there was a fly on the ceiling he was trying to hit, which was difficult, as the ceiling was very high.

A random henchman walked across the far end of the spacious main room, pushing a hand trolley piled high with newspapers. "Paper, Your Evilness?" he yelled, just as Scott tossed up the squeezie for the one hundred and fifty-ninth time.

Scott turned his head to look at the henchman. The squeezie, instead of being caught, bounced off the top of Scott's head. "Oww!" he exclaimed, glaring at the cheerful, bright blue squeezie now lying harmlessly on the floor. "Sure, whatever," he yelled back to the random henchman, who picked up the top paper from his stack, slid it down the length of the shiny black table, and continued his rounds. Scott picked up the paper, muttering incomprehensibly about possessed killer squeezies, and scanned the front page. The headline blared, "Dr. Evil Reformed, Joins Forces of Good!" Underneath it was a large picture of Dr. Evil, Austin Powers, and several beautiful, scantily clad women, all looking disgustingly cheerful. It was followed by a lengthy article, continued on pages two, three, five, seven, and a bit of page eight. 

"Yeah, yeah," Scott mumbled. "Tell me something I don't know." He flipped through the rest of the sections, rather disinterestedly, until something caught his eye- the classified ads. Suddenly, Scott Evil had a wonderful, evil idea. He opened his mouth to laugh evilly, or maybe even maniacally, but he was interrupted by Frau, standing on a conveniently located balcony.

"Scott! Don't even think about it!"

Scott shut his mouth, glared at her, and stalked out of the room.

~

disclaimer. I own Scott. He's mine, you hear? Property of moi.

(Hey… I can dream, right?)

and another a/n: I am so sorry this is so short! This is all I had typed up before I lost the journal I have it written in. *eeps* But, I shall find it, so fear not!


	2. In which Scott gets an Evil Assistant

Bugger it, then

~chapter 2~

In which Scott gets an evil assistant and Austin & Co. finally get a few lines

a/n: I got my journal back! So here's the second chappie, which is longer, see? *grin*

disclaimer: I own Scott. He's mine. (Hey, I can dream, right?) 

~

~Several days later, in a small suburb outside Washington, DC~

Kitty Quixote sat on the couch of her tiny apartment, poring over the classified ads. She had just been fired from yet another small theater company, as a result of a nasty falling-out with the director, who was an incompetent idiot anyway. But the point was, Kitty needed a new job. She turned the page and was confronted by a huge ad in red ink.

_Evil Assistant wanted for hostage-taking, threatening world leaders, general schemes for taking over the world, and other assorted badness. Must be able to laugh maniacally. No references required. Apply to: Scott Evil, The Secret Lair, 555-EVIL._

Aha, thought Kitty. Now here's something I can do! She quickly changed from her pajamas into black jeans and her favorite T-shirt (which read "Carpe Noctem" across the front in fancy letters), pulled on her shoes, dragged a brush through short, dark blue hair, grabbed a map and a can of Mountain Dew, pressed the button on her pocket teleporter and promptly disappeared.

~Meanwhile, somewhere in London~

"Oh look, Scotty's looking for a new friend." Dr. Evil said, holding up a copy of the same ad. "How cute."

"D'you think it's anything to worry about?" asked Austin.

Dr. Evil thought for a second. "Nah. Scotty never learned to be properly evil." He started to raise his pinky, but thought better of it and put his hand down.

"Alright then. Let's go get breakfast, I'm starving," Austin replied.

~Meanwhile (yes, again) back at The Lair~

Scott was still quite bored, but was feeling slightly better, as someone could be answering his ad at any time. He was just considering getting up for some food when there was a loud bang and a burst of fire erupted right next to his chair. Startled, Scott fell over the opposite arm onto the floor. He scrambled to his feet in time to see the flames clear, revealing a young woman with dark blue hair wearing baggy black clothes and rather a lot of eyeliner, and holding a can of Mountain Dew. 

"Rule number one of evildoing," she told the astonished Scott, popping the can open. "Never attempt anything without caffeine." She raised the can in a mock toast and took a long sip from it, then set it on the shiny table. 

"Scott Evil, I presume?" she inquired, extending a hand with bright red fingernails. "The name's Kitty… Kitty Quixote. Quixote by name, quixotic by nature."

Scott shook the offered hand. "That's me. Evil by name… very evil by nature. Um… what's that it says on your shirt?"

"Carpe Noctem… seize the night." Kitty shrugged. "I'm not much of a morning person. Anyway, I heard you were looking for an assistant."

"Yeah. Um… have a seat." Scott sat back in his chair, making a valiant attempt to look dignified. Kitty sat on the table. "So, what do you do?"

"I'm assuming you mean my profession-" she gave a wicked half-smile- "well, you might say I'm an artistic jack-of-all-trades. Actress, writer, singer, photographer, you name it."

"Impressive… how did you get from that to evildoing?"

Kitty shrugged. "I think too much. Society rejected me for not blindly following their artificial standards of perfection, so I rejected them back."

Scott made a face. "I know the feeling. You're hired."

Kitty grinned and slid off the table. "Cool! Let me just go home and get my stuff… I've got a lot of junk, for a starving artist." Before Scott could say a word, she had pulled what looked like a remote control out of her pocket, pressed a few buttons, and vanished with another loud bang and burst of flames.

I have got to get one of those, though Scott.

~The next morning, in London~

"Austin, Dr. Evil, we've got the identity of Scott's new assistant." Basil Exposition spoke to the pair through the brand-new flat-screen wall-mounted viewing monitor in Austin's pad.

"Smashing, Basil. Who is it?"

"Her name is Kitty Quixote." Basil held up a snapshot that looked like it had been taken from an odd angle during a performance. "She's an artist gone bad- rejected from society, idealistic and cynical at the same time, that whole bit." He held up another photo, this time a theatre-quality head shot. "Memorize her face, it's the only thing she doesn't change on a regular basis."

"Right-o," Austin replied.

"They haven't done anything evil yet, but they're definitely plotting something, so be on the alert. Oh, and Dr. Evil… you may want to get a new name."

"Riiiiiiiight."

~Meanwhile, at the Lair~

Scott wandered through the lair in his pajamas, looking for breakfast. If he had been all the way awake, he would have been more than a little surprised that the halls were so deserted. When he finally found his way to the kitchen, he found Kitty, also wearing pajamas, making chocolate chip pancakes.

"Good morning!" she greeted him cheerfully.

Scott blinked at her. "I thought you weren't a morning person."

Kitty grinned. "I lied. Some days I am."

"How come you're making breakfast?" Scott asked. "Didn't the henchmen do it properly?"

Now it was Kitty's turn to blink at Scott. "Henchmen?"

Scott stared, amazed. "You mean they're gone?"

"I didn't know they were supposed to be here in the first place. Silly, really, I suppose… it's rather a huge place for just one person, or two, as the case may be- heyy, where are you going?"

Scott had started toward the door. "Let me at 'em…"

"Scott!" He turned to look at Kitty. She held out a plate stacked with pancakes. "Can't be evil on an empty stomach."

"Right." He took the plate and carried it out to the main room. Kitty followed with her own plate, silverware, and maple syrup. 

"Breakfast, then clothes, then we'll go hunt them down, all right?" she said, setting it all on the table.

"Okay." They both sat down and dug into their stacks of pancakes.

Breakfast passed rather uneventfully. Scott and Kitty returned to their respective rooms to change their clothes - Scott to his usual black uniform, and Kitty to tight, dark red jeans and a tank top that read "Knowledge is Power, Power Corrupts, Study Hard, Be Evil." Almost immediately after they came back downstairs, Frau entered looking rather suspicious and sneaky. She seemed a bit alarmed to see them.

"Mom!" Scott exclaimed, pretending not to notice. "Have you met Kitty yet? Well, this is Kitty Quixote, anyway. She's my new evil assistant. Kitty, this is Frau, my mom. She used to be Dad's evil assistant before he turned good." Scott spit the word out as if it tasted bad.

Kitty waved happily. "Hi!"

"Mom, do you know where all the henchmen went to?" Scott asked. 

"No idea, besides the fact that they left. Wanted to turn good as well, after Dr. Evil left. I was going to give it a try myself, but I guess I'll stay here."

"They turned good? All of them?" Scott didn't believe what he was hearing. "Great. Just wonderful."

"Well, that's just a bugger then. We'll survive, of course," Kitty said. "If the bad guys got defeated now," she added to no one in particular, "there wouldn't be much of a story, now would there?"

"What was that?" Scott inquired.

"Oh, nothing, just breaking the fourth wall."

"Oh, okay then."

"Tell you what," said Frau, "I'll find some more henchmen, and you two run along and plot something nice and evil." At that, a big red warning light started blinking.

"Warning warning, oxymoron alert!" a voice blared. "Oxymoron in the vicinity-"

"Oh, shut up! They knew what I meant!" Frau ran to shut off the oxymoron alarm, while Scott and Kitty ran off to do something ni- um, really evil. 


	3. In which there is Fluff and an Evil Plan

Bugger it, then

~chapter 3~

In which there is fluff and Kitty thinks of a plan

a/n: Eep. Incredibly sorry about the lack of posting-ness. I've had this written, I've just been too busy with finals to type it. Here it is, anyway, and this is a fun chapter.

~

That night saw Kitty sitting on the roof of the lair wrapped in a blanket, looking at the stars. It didn't particularly matter that the lair was near the top of Mt. Everest and the air was technically too thin to breathe, because villains are cool and they can do whatever they want. So that was where Scott found her, defying apparent laws of physics in the rather nippy mountain air.

"Hey," he said. Kitty looked at him in surprise - she had been lost in thoughts and hadn't heard him approach. "I brought coffee," Scott added. "It's cold out here." Kitty grinned and accepted a mug of hot coffee. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Fine," she replied. "Just looking at the stars." There was a long pause. "They used to inspire me," she added abruptly, gazing at the sky again. "Before I became evil. I used to always go out and stare at the stars and think. Every night. I wrote a play about it. It was this one-woman show thing… all the thoughts I had come up with. I rather thought it was… groundbreaking… of course everyone else hated it. Said it was too idealistic. I think it just threw them all off-balance. Theatre does that sometimes…" Kitty's voice trailed off. There was another drawn-out silence. Suddenly, she looked at Scott again. "What did you used to want to do? Before you turned evil… there must have been something, you don't act like you've been evil forever…"

"Lots of things," Scott said, a little startled by the question. "Start a band… open a petting zoo… be an astronaut, or maybe a spy… or have a TV show…"

"Well, why didn't you?"

"Dad. He was so set on me being evil, wouldn't stand for anything else - and now I'm finally evil like he wanted, and he had to go and turn good." Scott's voice carried a hint of anger, but mostly bitterness.

"Sounds like that's two of us, then. Lifetimes of dreams dashed on the rocks of reality, or something like that." Kitty giggled. "See, I still over-dramatize everything…" Scott said nothing. "Oh. Looks like someone needs a hug."

"I do not," he protested.

"Don't lie," Kitty retorted. "Yes you do."

"No I do not!"

"You do."

"No-oo…"

"Oh, shut up and enjoy the hug." With that, she pounced on him. Scott was surprised to find his arms suddenly pinned to his sides. He was even more surprised to discover that he didn't exactly mind. He managed to work one arm free and wrap it around Kitty's shoulders, and in the process they both got entangled in the blanket. They sat like that for awhile, watching their breath form clouds and float away, until Kitty suddenly bolted up. 

"I just had an evil idea!" she exclaimed, flinging open the trapdoor and starting to descend the ladder.

"What is it?" Scott called down after her.

"You'll see in the morning! I have to order things!" Kitty reached the bottom and was off at a run down the corridor. Scott sighed and collected the blanket and the two empty mugs. He might as well go to bed himself, since Kitty obviously wasn't going to tell him anything tonight.

Scott came downstairs the next morning to find Kitty supervising the installation of a large viewing screen in the main room. He almost didn't recognize her from behind. She looked quite different - her hair, instead of dark blue, was now reddish- brown and impossibly wavy, and she was wearing a crisp white blouse, a short pleated plaid skirt, and high-heeled versions of combat boots. She spun around when she heard Scott enter the room, grinning widely.

"Scott! I figured out the details of the plan!"

"Awesome, let's hear them," he responded, grinning back.

"Even better. I shall show you, as soon as all the stuff is in."

"Stuff?" Scott asked blankly.

"I ordered some things, remember? It's for the plan - you'll see in a minute."

"How'd it get here so fast?"

"I mentioned I was working with you. Your name has a lot more influence than you think." Kitty glanced at the viewing screen, which was just being plugged in. The new henchman doing the plugging waved at Kitty.

"That's the last of it, Evilness," he shouted.

"Great! Take a coffee break," Kitty called back. "Okay, check this out, Scott. We are going to put the good guys out of business."

~

disclaimer: I own Scott. He is mine. (Hey, a girl can dream, right?)

another a/n: Sorry about the cliffhanger… I had to sort of split this chappie up. I promise the details of the plan are coming soon. Don't kill me!


End file.
